Emotions vs feelings and Surviving vs living

Feeling your feels is really f*cking hard.

Throughout my life, people would come to me to figure things out. I was the go-to person if you wanted something done or needed advice. In fact, my friends in high school called me Dr. Hayley (a nod toward the Dr. Phil show that had just come out at the time) and came to me all the time when they wanted to feel validated in the experiences they were having. I was a thinker, I was able to see situations, scenarios, and personalities from all sides and determine the best steps to take next toward what they wanted to achieve. I prided myself on this part of my personality that was able to solve problems, simplify situations, and bring people together. What I didn’t realize at the time was that by being that person for everyone gave me permission to not have to think or focus on myself. Being needed by everyone around me, it allowed me a little space within myself where my needs could be ignored and forgotten so I wouldn’t ever be let down or constantly disappointed. But eventually, I stopped feeling altogether.

“What I didn’t realize at the time was that by being that person for everyone gave me permission to not have to think or focus on myself.”

That’s not to say that I never laughed, cried, or got super fucking pissed off because all of those things definitely happened. But I lost myself. I started to live life on autopilot, operating the way I should, the way other people were living, and grew up to be a whole-ass woman who has no fucking idea who she is.

About 5 years ago, someone asked me, “Hayley, what do you do that makes you happy on any given day? Something that makes you feel joy?” And I couldn’t name one thing… NOT A SINGLE THING that I loved to do for myself. To say that that was a shock to my system would be an understatement. It was a wake-up call for sure. I had spent the better part of two decades surviving rather than living. That’s not to say that I carry the guilt you’d think would manifest from that, I know the things I’ve experienced in my life happened to me, not because of me, but to realize I haven’t actually been living my life?! That was a hard truth to allow.

“I had spent the better part of two decades surviving rather than living.”

For someone who’s lived most of their life on autopilot like I have, learning to feel emotions is a completely foreign concept. For me, it helps to separate concepts. Feelings are sensations that come up when I experience something and emotions are words I use to identify them. The problem solver within me went crazy trying to name any and all emotions that came up for me and all that resulted was a major amount of anxiety.

Is that actually what I’m feeling?

What does that mean?

What do I do now?

Naming emotions and feelings feeds that part of my brain that needs to fix things. It gives me actionable items that I can check off my list, and that I can control. What it doesn’t do is allow me to feel anything. I was so worried about figuring out what to label everything that I didn’t allow myself to actually feel my emotional sensations. What did it feel like when I was upset? What happens in my body when I’m angry? How does anxiety show up? If you don’t know how anger shows up within you, how are you ever going to know what you want to do with it or what it needs?

“I was so worried about figuring out what to label everything that I didn’t allow myself to actually feel my emotional sensations.”

Genuinely feeling your feelings, sitting with them, allowing them, and giving them a voice gives you an opportunity to connect with who you are at an authentic level. And it’s a practice. Being able to get to a place where you let yourself FEEL is a place you have to practice being in. Because it’s not comfy. It’s raw, messy,  chaotic, and you feel completely exposed. But I’m here to tell you it’s worth it. If you’re here reading this, it’s because you’re at a place within you where you don’t want to just survive anymore, you want to live and feel and laugh and cry and feel your entire life.

“It’s raw, messy,  chaotic, and you feel completely exposed.”

Take some time each day to check in with yourself, and I mean really check in. Ask your body how it feels, and what it needs. Ask the child version of you how they’re feeling, maybe the teenager within you wants to break something. Whatever comes up for you in those moments of exploration, hold it. Allow it. Give it space to be without judgment. Then send it all the compassion you can muster, because you did it. You’ve survived everything you’ve been through and now you get to feel it.

I’m here as a support if you need a space to feel seen, heard, and validated in your experiences.