Someone That I Have to Interact With Activates Me. WTF Am I Supposed to Do?
At some point in our lives, we encounter another human that really gets under our skin. Someone who, when the idea of having to speak to them comes up, makes our muscles tense and our jaws clench. Uncomfortable would be an understatement, they activate you. They are absolutely, without a doubt, the last person on the planet you want to interact with. Why? Because they aren’t safe. Whatever the experience you had with them was (or maybe something they do reminds you of someone in your past), whether it was belittling, narcissism, neglect, invalidation, gaslighting, etc, an experience you had with them makes your system panic. But, being activated is more than being uncomfortable. For someone who’s experienced trauma, being activated brings up involuntary memories of their past traumatic memories.(1) But what happens when you have to interact with this person? What if you work with them, or they’re a family member, or even your child’s other parent? It doesn’t make rational sense to have to continue to put yourself into a position where you know your heart will race, you become angry or feel on edge, and you’ll know you’ll be upset. So WTF are you supposed to do? Thankfully there are some steps you can take for yourself that will help ground the activating feelings and make it easier when you have to interact with them.
Being activated is more than being uncomfortable.
There are steps you can take and things you can do for yourself so you don’t have to feel like this when you have exchanges with them. But I get it, it’s annoying that you have to do the work when they’re the ones who make you feel like this. Trust me. But I’m here to remind you, that you are only ever in charge of you, your actions, and the experience you have. You have absolutely no control over what they do, the choices they make, or the responsibility they take. So why torture yourself by continuing to experience the heaviness of this experience you have when you interact with them? If you’re ready to begin to take the steps needed to release yourself from what you’re feeling, I got you.
Awareness - Awareness is always the first step when you begin your journey of healing and release. Become really clear about what it is that activates you.
Experience - What happens when you become activated? Do you start holding your breath? Does your skin flush? Notice what you experience the next time you’re activated. That way, when those things start to show up, you’ll know what to look out for.
Message - What message does your activation have? If your activation had a voice, what would it say?
Needs - What do you, or the activation, need in this moment of activation? Maybe it’s taking some breaths, maybe it’s introducing compassion for yourself, or moving your body (taking a walk, shaking your shoulders, stomping your feet).
The more you become aware and take ownership of your experience, the simpler (not easier) it will be for you to continue this practice. Because that’s exactly what it is, a practice. Whenever the starting point of this activation resides, it gets carried on and perpetuated each moment you decide not to choose you and how you want to feel. Because even though you might have to interact with this person, you don’t have to feel like you do for the unforeseeable future. You can decide that you want to feel seen, heard, and validated, and give those things to yourself. Because you can. You can give yourself whatever it is that you need, without judgment, so you can enter into the interaction with this person from the the most calm place possible. That’s you giving yourself a real gift.
You can decide that you want to feel seen, heard, and validated, and give those things to yourself.
We can’t change others. But we can choose to be what we need for ourselves to fill our cups and come to the interaction from a place of regulation and peace. We deserve to feel confident in who we are and the intentions we hold, without other people, their actions, and their words, having the power to take that away. And the only way that that’s possible, is by creating the stability within ourselves.
We deserve to feel confident in who we are and the intentions we hold, without other people, their actions, and their words, having the power to take that away.
I hope these words and a few tips help you on your journey. When we aren’t aware of how our activations show up for us and what messages they’re carrying, the person who activates us is in complete control. Give yourself the gift of peace, take control over how you feel within yourself, and allow that confidence to seep into all other areas of your life.
